Key points
Until recently, mapping out stages of grief, which people were expected to pass through, was popular. But this idea has changed, and we no longer expect people to go through set ‘stages’. And our grief is no longer seen as a ‘problem’ to be solved.
The period of intense grief was once defined as a crisis time of about six weeks, after which people were expected to be able to return to ‘normal’. But this attitude has now also changed.
Australian research, published in 2019, looking at nearly 10,000 people, showed the impacts on psychological well-being of the loss of someone close, lasted typically for four years.
Different forces will have an impact on what happens for you - the role the person played in your life, how you feel about yourself, the habits you’ve developed about dealing with your emotions, the availability of support and your comfort level with accessing these.
Sometimes we don’t even want to leave our grief state because moving on from that precious person and connection feels disloyal.
However, we can learn to get on with life, without having to ‘let go’ or forget the person. We can find a way to start feeling better, yet also find a way to keep the person present. We can ask for help with this.
Your Violet Guide will listen while you talk about your loved one, even if this means you are repeating your story.
“If someone is grieving and wants to share their grief repeatedly, Violet guides are prepared to listen as they understand how normal this is,” explains Violet Guide Rose Dillon.
Violet’s Clinical Committee member and palliative care physician, Dr Kathryn Mannix reminds us that those supporting the grieving need to understand there is not something we can do to make it better.
In the early moments it can be very difficult to respond as your community becomes aware of the death. Contact can come at a moment when you feel unable to respond, something which can feel more noticeable in an age of text messaging.
“But for the bereaved person, the usual rules of etiquette do not apply. It’s important for people to know that you do not have to reply. That’s okay,” Kathryn explains.
And if you do want to reply, it’s alright to reply much later.
When mixing with social groups who expect us to put our grief behind us quickly, we don’t have to succumb to that pressure. And just because we have a boss who wants us to recover so that we can become productive again, doesn’t mean that that’s ‘right’.
At this time, it can also be helpful for you to be in contact with other people who aren’t intimidated by your grief.
Family dynamics can cause distress as we recover from our grief. Social workers note that when they see conflict at a death there is usually a history to this, with family issues the background cause.
In one recent US study, 57 per cent of families reported conflict as someone was dying and a Canadian study found 100 per cent of families had experienced some conflict during the end-of-life phase of someone they loved.