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“One of the hallmarks of grief is the loneliness,” says Violet’s Clinical Committee member and palliative care physician, Dr Kathryn Mannix.
And this can be particularly true of the loss of a life partner.
“A number of times the constant, the person you would have gone to for consolation in your grief - is the very person that you’re grieving, particularly if it’s your life partner,” Kathryn adds.
The loss of a life partner of many years can present unique challenges with some researchers arguing it is the most distressing of all life events. Studies show that the grief scores of bereaved partners and parents are higher than those of others suffering grief.
However, Violet Guide Rose Dillon cautions against putting special labels on this: “Grief, after all, is grief.”
“Any death is a loss. When someone close to you dies this is an absolutely profound loss. We have clients who’ve experienced the death of a parent and had intense grief reactions to this too,” Rose says.
That said, the person who is grieving a long-term spouse not only has to deal with the loss of their partner, but the impact it may have on their financial life and their social life because it was shared. So it presents a loss on several fronts.
When a couple has spent many years living together, they have often woven together every aspect of their lives – medical appointments, television programs, dinners with family, gardening.
Losing the partner you shared a bed with for decades can make sleep routines harder to keep and sleeping itself generally more difficult: the warmth of their body is no longer there and you might even feel less safe because you are now living alone in your house.
In addition, a recent major study showed widowed people are now more vulnerable to dying themselves (eleven per cent more so) than people who still have a living partner, so their susceptibility to the physical health consequences of grief are higher.
Having adult children can present unexpected challenges in this scenario too, Rose explains.
“The children might be afraid that if they say something to you that you will break down, when in fact, breaking down and crying over the person who has died is very normal – even after a long period of time.”
People do find it difficult to talk to older people about their grief, and the grief can linger for many years after the loss, both confirmed by recent Australian studies.
“It really doesn’t matter how long ago your partner died. When well-meaning friends and acquaintances say ‘You need to learn to move on’, this can be painful,” says Rose.
“We know that you don’t just stop loving someone because they’re dead,” Rose said.