"We married young. I first met Bruce when he was 18 and I was 16 and we were married for a glorious 52 years. Five days after his 73rd birthday, Bruce died, leaving behind a heartbroken family and a pile of unopened birthday presents.”
Lexie first reached out to Violet when she realised that she was out of her depth in dealing with the overwhelming grief she felt after losing her husband Bruce. It was still two weeks before she summoned up the courage to make the call to Violet, that would give her the answers and relief she sought.
“I’m an ex-librarian - so I googled grief counselling and found Violet. I have never had counselling and I didn’t know what to expect. I was really struggling, and would spend all day crying. I knew I needed help, but I was still fighting against this realisation,” said Lexie.
“I lost my brother, Billy, during Covid and given all the restrictions at the time, we weren’t able to attend his funeral which was very challenging and upsetting to not be able to fully process his loss.”
“Bruce’s death, on the other hand, brought up many different emotions, namely guilt and anger with myself, which was crippling. I had contracted pneumonia and blood poisoning and was in ICU for nine days. When I came out of hospital I noticed his health had deteriorated dramatically and he died in hospital a few days later. I had tremendous guilt that I couldn’t get into hospital to see him like I normally would as I was unable to drive due to being unwell myself. When I got the unexpected call from the hospital that he was not going to make the night, my friends drove me in and stayed with me until he died.”
Through conversations and support from her Violet Guide Amanda, Lexie was able to look at the situation more objectively and speak to herself as she would to a friend if they were in a similar situation.
“It was incredibly important that I helped Lexie to realise that what she was experiencing was completely normal and is often a huge part of the grieving process for many people. I reiterated the things Lexie had done to support her husband over his several years of ill health and so she needn’t feel guilty, especially given her own health concerns were beyond her control” said Amanda.
“It was about normalising grief and we discussed what she could do when she experiences periods of intense grief, how to go forward while being gentle with herself and most importantly, to know that she wasn’t crazy, which is how Lexie referred to herself.”
Key to Lexie being able to begin to adjust to her new normal, was learning to set boundaries with well-meaning friends and neighbours.
“I am fortunate to be surrounded by beautiful family and friends. Yet I felt pressure from friends who were forcing me to go out, when I wasn’t ready to face the world.
"Speaking with my guide Amanda, more like crying, as I did for the majority of the sessions, helped me understand that it was totally acceptable to not want to go out and that I needed to put healthy boundaries in place.”
“It was great to talk to someone who wasn't part of my circle and had been through her own caring journey. Amanda told me to ‘stay in bed if you want to, grief is exhausting” She gave me the permission I wasn’t able to give myself at the time.
“With Amanda’s guidance, I was able to confront my fears about not upsetting my friends and tell them, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I am not up to it today”. As a result, I have been more active now as I have my space when I need it. When I told them I was talking to Amanda they were relieved that I was getting the support I needed.”
Lexie found her three sessions with Amanda were so beneficial that she felt she didn’t need to pursue counselling and recommended that anyone going through the grieving process reach out to Violet, especially as it helped her normalise her grief and realise it's ok to laugh again.
“Bruce had a very dominant personality and family was everything to him,” said Lexie.
“He was also very funny and irreverent. Before he was readmitted to hospital we spoke about his wishes. He asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said to him that I wanted a black car. He said no worries. I’ll give you a black car. I'll give you a hearse!”
“He was Bruce till the end.”
Violet Guide Amanda shares some tips on dealing with grief: