Self-compassion is vital for caregivers because it helps them feel better about themselves and identify what they need to continue caregiving. But it doesn’t always come naturally. Violet Guide and Trainer Rose Dillon, says “carers usually think of themselves last, if at all, and are notorious for not attending to their own needs.” 

But giving yourself the same care and empathy you give your loved one can help you feel more resilient and reduce the risk of compassion fatigue and caregiver burnout. 

Sometimes it’s being with yourself in soft and comforting ways like gently leaning into painful emotions or lowering your expectations on yourself. Other times it means stepping up and taking action in the world to ensure your needs are met. 

Here are some ways you can cultivate self-compassion every day. 

Advocate for yourself

As you practice being compassionate with yourself, you’ll become more aware of what you need and find the courage and strength to continue caregiving. Once you’re clear on your needs, you can protect them by taking action and speaking up for yourself.

Sometimes, the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself is fiercely stepping up and protecting yourself with clear boundaries. Saying ‘no’ or asking for help from family and friends or a professional can change your day and that of your loved one.

“If we don’t also make time for ourselves, our strength and resilience can deplete, leaving us less able to support our loved one,” says Wendy Stocks, Violet’s Guide Practice Manager

Be kind

Caregiving can be hard. It’s natural to want to be the best caregiver for your loved one, but having unreasonably high expectations or judging yourself for your lack of achievement that day can leave you feeling stressed, anxious and overwhelmed. 

In moments of suffering, acts of self-compassion like running yourself a hot bath, listening to relaxing music, speaking to someone you trust about your feelings, or seeking respite and support can help reduce the load you carry.

“Even a short respite away from the caring role can be beneficial- coffee with a friend, a walk around the park, a movie (my fave as it forces you into another world for a short while!).” Rose Dillion Violet Guide.

Appreciate yourself, your situation and the challenges you are facing. Accept yourself and give yourself permission to feel. Show yourself the same praise and gratitude you would for a dear friend in the same situation.  

You're not alone

If you struggle to prioritise your own needs, wants and wellbeing while caring for a loved one, you’re not alone. When life revolves around caregiving, many carers feel too busy or overwhelmed to care for themselves. As a result, self-care can feel like a luxury, not a necessity.

"I felt compelled to be the best caregiver I could be. It was like the warrior inside me took over because so many things needed to be put in place. My motto was never to give up, but I did have a lot of challenges. I was also dealing with my own emotions,” admits Janet, who cared for her ex-husband for almost a decade.

Recognising that we will all be impacted by the last stage of life at some point can help you feel less alone in your experiences and your needs. Feeling vulnerable, emotional and imperfect is part of being human. And so is the need to look after yourself.  

Be mindful

Moments of mindfulness can help you focus your attention on the present moment. Allowing yourself to become aware of and open to your own pain and suffering when it arises lets it pass more swiftly.  

Noticing your thoughts and feelings without becoming attached to them can help you gain clarity and perspective. 

“Let grief speak for both you and your loved one. Do not shut it down,” one caregiver told us.

Listen to your self-talk without judgement. Let the dialogue come and go.