Arjun and Maree both looked after an elderly parent in their final days, taking the major responsibility for care. Yet how they experienced grief was quite different.

Arjun, 62, had the opportunity to look after his father Khalid, at home, for two years after he had a stroke, until he died.

He was able to gain confidence during that time and to learn what to do next, by both going online at Violet.com and talking directly with Violet guides. They gave him useful information on how to access palliative care at home, how to advocate for his father and how to talk with him about his concerns, such as his advance care plan.

But Arjun is still grieving. So he is reading Violet’s materials. He’s especially interested in Violet’s materials about self-care.

Complex circumstances can add to one's grief burden

Maree, 55, also looked after an elderly parent, her mother Eileen, who died aged 88 in a nursing home. Eileen was living with Maree until four months before she died, when Eileen was transferred to the home.

Maree had to deal with a number of challenges during the time her mother was in the nursing home and several hospital admissions for her mother.

During these challenges and as her mother deteriorated, Maree felt anticipatory grief, as though she had already lost her mother, yet she found this difficult to explain to people.

All of this took a toll and left Maree feeling emotionally depleted when her mother died. She believes her negative emotions added to her grief. 

Violet’s Rose Dillon explains how to manage many of these difficulties in Violet resources.

In Maree’s case, one difficulty was ambiguity about the implications of the advance care plan Eileen had filled in. Eileen had stipulated ‘not for resuscitation’ on her forms and had requested to be able to die without going to the major teaching hospital nearby. 

But late one night Eileen developed respiratory symptoms and as she struggled to breath, the night nurse made the decision that the residence could not manage these difficult symptoms. Overriding Eileen’s advance care plan, she was hospitalised, placed on antibiotics for pneumonia and then after a period of recuperation returned to the nursing home. Maree was confused by this. 

When Eileen was admitted to the teaching hospital, Maree wasn’t able to enter until well after Eileen had been stabilised, something the hospital later apologised for. Maree had been very stressed, thinking that her mother could die without her being with her.

To add to the complexity, Maree’s two brothers, who lived interstate, made negative comments about their mother’s care that Maree found hurtful.

Talking about grief experiences can be helpful

After Eileen died, Maree made contact with a Violet guide. She discussed the pressures she was under before Eileen died and the impacts these had on her grief.

She talked about the family dynamics involving her brothers, confident she could air her distress and resentments of her siblings, with someone who didn’t know the family. 

Also, as a result of the conversations with her Violet guide, Maree felt she better understood the processes that led to Eileen’s hospital admission.

Maree also turned to Violet to talk about her work-life balance. She had worked fulltime until now but talking through her recent grief experiences with her Violet guide, she realised that she wanted to make a few changes in her life. She decided to only go back to part time work.

Maree now goes for a regular weekly walk with her bereavement group and feels the freedom to talk about her mother, her mother’s illness and her mother’s death with other people who have had similar grief experiences.